Suddenly
and without warning
from going to bed feeling normal
after catching up on the latest episode of "Love Island"
you wake up and feel compelled to head off into town
to buy yourself a pair of velcro fastened shoes - they're so convenient
and a pair of comfy drawstring
trousers
the ones with an elasticated waist - beige of course.
You find yourself thinking it would be a great idea to go out for a picnic
and park in a lay-by along side a busy "A" road.
Don't fight the urge to make a "thermos" of coffee
or to make cheese sandwiches.
Coffee and sandwiches from petrol stations are so expensive!
Of course you must go for a wee before you leave - never pass a toilet!
You won't worry about the outfit you're in
beige shorts, complete with long navy blue socks is fine
those socks have a lovely thistle motif around the top
and you'll wear your brown sandals - perfect!
Once on your way
you'll be looking for a turning
so you have to turn the "Today Programme" off
because you need to concentrate.
So what is this nightmare you're in?
What have you woken up into?
How did this happen?
Old age is what has happened to you!
Don't worry about it now!
This might not have happened to you yet
You might be young, fit and healthy
and go to the gym
and watch "Love Island"
and not like cheese sandwiches.
and prefer a creamy latte with sprinkles from a petrol station
made with beans which have been passed through the digestive system of an elephant
and they're only fifteen quid a cup anyway!
But...
one morning
I am telling you
this will have happened to you
and you will wake up as an "old person!"
You have been warned!
Some tips:
Men.
Don't take up an extreme sport.
Don't buy a Harley Davidson.
Don't dump your wife for a younger model.
And don't grow a pony tail!
Women.
Yes that skirt is too short
No, don't get a tattoo - well not on there anyway
don't get plastic surgery - they're big enough already
but maybe try dumping your old man for a younger model
You've been told!
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