Alternative CV

Summary: Specialising in avoiding anything which looks like hard work, I have an ever growing reputation as the man not to ask if you need something doing. 

Basic common sense, drive, ability, personality and likeability are just some of the characteristics I lack and I have a proven track record backing that up.

Education: "Our Convent of the Constipated Lady of the Night Secondary Boarding School" 

University of life: Failed first year then was expelled 

PhD from the University of Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia. Thesis on "Mongolian bribary, and how to easily fleece any government of cash" acquired off 'Bazza' in the pub for a 'monkey'

Other Qualifications: 

GCSE: Histrionics, Flatulance, Smoking behind the bike shed and advanced laziness 

A levels: Mathematics,  Further Mathematics, Even Further Mathematics, again off my mate 'Bazza' in the pub for just a 'pony' each - bargain!

Hobbies and interests: Disappointing those close to me. 

Catching my dressing gown pockets on cupboard door handles. 

Tripping over flat surfaces and

having an amazing inability to parallel park.

References: I've bunged 'Bazza' an extra 'score' so he'll confirm everything's kosher

(Strapline)

(Strapline)

Move-eat-think-sleep!

(Reality)

Pull a muscle

get indigestion 

become anxious 

and so stuffer with insomnia 

Eurovision Song Contest - A Definition

A camp

over the top

style over substance - sham of music contest

flashing lights and suspect dancing

featuring the worst and instantly forgettable songs

which must feature at least 17 key changes

with the worst lyrics you'll luckily never hear again 

by the craziest singers you'll luckily never see again

using 90% of a countries GDP on outfits 

using 90% of the worlds sequins and glitter supplies

on crazy sets

with lightshows that would normally crash any countries national grid

featuring countries from all over the world and not just from Europe

fronted by local personalities who don't have personalities

featuring songs which are voted for by the viewers who have no musical taste

so it isn't really about the best songs because real singers and groups never enter

more about which country aligns with which other country

or which country hates which other country

or which country never votes for which other country

and there's always one particularly catchy song which you can't get out of your head - but remember 

flu is catchy too

and it all goes on for far too long

and the voting at the end is like having root canal surgery with out an anesthetic 

which the outcome is a curse because the winning country must host the following year's show

which is OK for us

...because the UK never win anymore!

The day I was born

On the day I was born

somebody died

a life had run it's course

hearts were broken

tears were shed...

or

hearts were joyous 

an abusive relationship ended

a soul was released

a illness won the battle

someone's battle was lost

a murder took place

somebody just couldn't take it any more

and; unbeknownst to some

last words were exchanged 

with a final kiss

fingers brushed through dying hair 

for a final time 

a final touch

a final caress...

and on the day I die, 

a child will be born.

Opposing

Opposition.

Opposed.

On opposite sides.

Two sides.

One table.

Two ideologies.

One war.

Brought to a head

with radically opposing views

and with differing angles on the same situation 

as if arguing with their own reflection 

they squabbllng like children in the playground 

monopolising radio interviews

monologues without breath taken

there's little hope for peace.

Supposedly here to find a solution 

but a solution to an insurmountable problem 

for with both sides convinced of their right

both sides vowing never to rest until the enemy is defeated

swearing none of this is their fault

arguing what they believe is right

convinced they've followed all the rules

yet civilians starve

innocent children die - a country dies!

Through blind eyes

and with harsh words 

lobbed across peace-talk tables

accusations are made

as if hand grenades 

words as sharp as the shrapnel created

pointing fingers 

like rifles pointed across the disputed lands

land stolen - one side shouts

land held by our fathers - the reply 

factions able to quote the colour of their own history

but not the colour of any possible future

football punditry

Yes Gary

if he'd kicked the ball into the net

it would 'ave be a goal!

and if the keeper hadn't got his hands on it...

that would have been a goal too!!

...back to you Gary in the studio!