I Would

I can't write fully about cancer - because I've never had it

I can't imagine living in a war zone - because I've never had to 

and my bones have never been broken 

unlike my heart

I can't write about loosing a child - because I've never lost one

I can't imagine what it's like to be homeless -  because I've never had to live out on the streets 

and my life has never been turned upside down

unlike some.

I've never had a boundless hate for someone or something 

I've never been without someone to love or who loves me 

I've never been right to the edge and wanted to take one more step

I love the dark and the calm it brings me.

I can't write about a life after death because I don't think there is one

I can't write about being unhappy...

because I'm not

but - I'm a poet

and if I was...

I would

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Steel Town - What Now?

The whooshing noises and huge clouds of steam 

like the red fire-breathing dragon it once was - now herald its death

and with one last breath 

...the dragon is dead!

Welsh steel is no more

It is the end of an era

The machinery stops

and it spews out its rivers of virgin molten steel no more

and silence falls

and the temperatures drop

and the dust settles 

enshrouding 120 years of steel production

Steel town - closed under the need to go "green"

thousands of jobs - gone

lost for a lower carbon footprint 

decades of history

of family lineage

Grandfathers

Fathers

and sons

this right of passage

generation after generation 

this place which put food on the tables of thousands

street after street after street of workers 

every morning heading to the works 

whole communities decimated 

What now?

Steel is "Steel Town"

"Steel Town" is steel.

What now?

Contractors and external business

large and small - will close

What now?

What are those with many years of experience going to do?

Those who know nothing else

but steel...

What now?

What are they going to do?

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Outside my window

Outside my window...

well 

outside the window I am currently looking out of  - because it's not actually my window

The window I'm currently looking out of 

belongs to someone else 

in that 

I don't own this particular window 

so it's not my window

not my window I'm looking out of

but I do own some windows along with my wife 

I don't mean that I own my wife

I mean my wife and I own some windows ourselves

they're in the house we have lived in for 26 years

but they're not the windows I'm currently looking out of

anyway...

(Sigh)...

if I don't own the windows I'm currently looking out of 

what are we saying when we say "Out of my window?"

What are we talking about when we say window?

There are many windows 

What window are we talking about?

Are we talking about an opening in a wall 

or roof 

or building 

or vehicle perhaps 

that is 

maybe something that has been fitted into this opening

perhaps made of glass 

or perspex 

something held in a frame 

to let light in

or air 

or to allow people to see out

or to see in?

what do we mean?

do we mean 

an opportunity to see or understand something 

usually something we can't see like

"a window to see in and understand the workings of the local council"

Can anyone ever see in or understand the actual workings of a local council?

Or are we talking

a period of unbooked time in a diary, schedule, or similar 

Like 

"I have a short window over lunch in which I could see you"?

or 

do you mean something like a weather window

"We'd better get a move on before this gorgeous weather window closes"?

a radio window is similar due to atmospheric or locational restrictions 

"we'd better wrap this up now before the radio window closes"?

Or do we mean 

"Microsoft Windows"?

or...

in computing 

the area of a display that may be manipulated 

separately from the rest of the display area on your screen 

you know

different files can be displayed simultaneously in different overlapping "windows"?

...and then when you say outside..?

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Find myself again

I'm moving to a town - a town I know is there

but a place that's unfamiliar

a town I didn't grow up in 

some post industrial waste-land built upon a fading reputation  of some inde band whose songs I've never heard of

that will shape me into a person - a person I'm not sure of

and I'm going to take a garret

for that's all my pocket will stretch to

stuck above a "clip-joint" or a chicken take-away

and maybe find a sleezy bar and order myself a strong one

from the "good-time girl" before me

she the one who's mascerading as the one who tends the bar 

and I'm going to walk the footsteps of those who've gone before me

down the streets I've never walked before the day I started here...

and I'm going to build a new life but I'll make a few mistakes

but a good life it will be 

and many good people will I meet

many good things will I do

that just maybe one day I will write this story down 

this story I will write about the things that I once did

and who knows I might retrace all this 

through my children's very steps

through their very eyes and own experiences relived...

then might I find my way back home

where I will find myself again.

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Guilt

As I undress in preparation for a shower

I turn and catch myself in the full-length bathroom mirror

and am horrified by my bulging stomach.

I have eaten too many crisps lately.

I love crisps.

I then remember the large pack of crisps I half ate yesterday

leaving the other half for the weekend - as if 

as if saving half was some minor win for me

or something 

but still a sense of guilt washes over me.

I take my shower.

Later, I'm stood in the kitchen

and another wave of guilt washes over me

as I finish off the packet of crisps.

I love crisps!

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Hair

I had my hair cut once 

Twelve quid it cost

only for it to grow back! - I'm not falling for that trick again!