Bank Holiday

Old people who never; ever take their cars out do so, on a bank holiday;

the only day that year they decide to go out and so can’t remember what the controls do .

Old men in pork-pie hats who think “26 miles an hours is fast enough thank you!”

And who sit clinging to the steering wheel for dear life

A snail pulling a caravan whizzes by and they mutter:

“oooh! He’s going very fast – he’s going to have an accident you know!”

Old ladies who have never; ever passed their driving test

...well if they did it was in the times when a man carrying a red flag had to walk in front you, come out onto the roads for a drive - on a bank holiday!.

Old ladies who never want to visit anyone at any other time - suddenly take to the roads on a bank holiday and visit people they spent most of their time moaning about!

Or visit places they never, ever want to visit on a normal day

And who can’t remember how to drive anyway and who are all over the road,

never indicating or letting people in..

We feel we must go out on a bank holiday by any means possible – and we do!

We go by skate-board, hang-glider, surf-board or donkey!

Anything! Anything we can find because we must be on the roads!

So the roads come to a halt – “well this has never happened before!”

(Like they never got stuck last time!)

Nothing moves, everything is jammed and the temperature gauge starts to rise!

“well; isn’t busy! I can’t understand why today of all days it’s just so busy, mutter, mutter, mutter!”

Even those with half a brain and who go by train clog up the platform and booking halls

Don’t understand because the last time they went by train it was behind a steam loco!

So they don’t know about buying a ticket which aren’t 5 shillings and sixpence anymore

And who leave their bags unattended so the bomb squad are called and the station is evacuated; messing up everyone else’s bank holiday.

And if we do arrive, at our chosen venue it’s time to come back!

And if the roads are clear we can get home quicker than it took to go – but what’s the point!

We’re knackered all week and need the next weekend to get over it!