People call me the professor

People call me 'The Professor'

I'm really not sure I know why

maybe I have the authority

the presence of that sort of guy

I'd like to have been a professor

my colourful outfits would fit in

my wild hair would make much more sense - and match the stubble that covers my chin

Maybe it's my BBC accent

or maybe they think that I'm  bright

that with my round horn rimmed spectacles

I fit the perception just right

I like all that cerebral thinking

writing papers in an important 'rag'

but there is a good reason why I'm not the professor - and it is, one very big snag!

I would have loved being a professor 

but I must confess to you

I'm not over-burdend with qualifications

and Professors require quite a few

I have a certificate in swimming

and 25 yards was very tough!

I didn't really like it at school much

learning - and all that stuff!

School sucked me in at one end

and at the other end just spat me out!

I'm sure that all they were teaching me

was very important - no doubt!

I really didn't have a life plan

only college - so there must've been a spark

but college didn't have any professors

who on me, could maybe have made a mark

People call me the professor

but I'm not the professor type

I don't think I'd have be very good at it

but it's too late for having a gripe!

I think that I'm much too old now

to help young students to learn

so I'll sit with my wife and my dog - as

some peace and quiet 

is what I now yearn!

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Don't Grow Up

As an adult 

you must never overlook 

nor forget

the unadulterated joy there is to be had 

by a child

in blowing hard 

down a drinking straw

which sits in a glass of milk

or similar childhood beverage

- especially a carbonated one

which then sends the drink

in the form of bubbles

cascading over the glasses rim

and onto the table 

and over itself

and the floor

oh and the cushions on the chair as well!

As an adult of course

this is very annoying

and contains no joy

as we are the ones who usually have to clear it all up

and possibly change the childs outfit

which is now soaking wet

so it will need washing

and drying

because this was the outfit you were going to send them in 

to the party tomorrow 

and then we need to wipe the table down

and the cushions on the chair

might need dry cleaning

...not forgetting to mop up the floor!

...you then grow up 

you grow up not remembering this joy

and forget just how amazing it was

then

when your time comes

and you find yourself on your hands and knees

annoyed

because your child has done this very same thing

the thing you did

many years ago

that you thought amazing

...this is the time to search your memories

rummage around and recall

remember the joy you found

by this simple act

and

maybe... 

maybe forgive them just this one time!

...or just don't grow up!

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Me: Retail Worker

We: customer

We drive straight past the no-entry sign using the carpark as a "rat-run".

We defy the architects and planners and take a short cut across the flower beds.

We pull - when it says push.

We enter - when it says exit.

We don't need a basket

then we drop things 

and they break.

We look straight through the thing we're searching for 

then ask someone if they have it in stock.

We buy junk and ask not to be judged.

We mistake members of the public for staff

We wait until the last item has been scanned to suddenly remember 

we've forgotten something - dashing off to get it 

leaving a huge queue of angry customers 

We pay for something then leave it in the shop.

We bring every personal item we own into the shop - then leave it in the shop.

We argue about the price of something - then buy it anyway.

We don't want to pay for a bag, nor did we bring one,

then we promptly drop all our shopping on the floor.

We seem surprised when finally at the head of the queue 

and we're asked to actually pay for our shopping.

We pay with pennies.

We use contactless but don't know how it works. 

We think that  just because the terminal 'beeped' 

that means that the transaction is complete.

We need to pay with our phones but haven't got a clue how to do that.

We leave baskets and trolleys to roam free 'round the carpark...

we: customer 

me: retail worker

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I Wonder What They Talk About

They arrived in a 'gangster-mobile'

big

white with blacked out windows

The car's emblem has been lit up with an aftermarket part - it looked naff!

if you'd have told me he was a dealer - I wouldn't have been too surprised 

not that he was - he just could have been

every hair on his head was in the exact place he wanted it to be in 

the edge on his beard was so sharp 

you could have cut a sandwich in two with it

he smelt like there'd been an explosion at the men's cologne counter 

in Boots in the high street

and that he was standing next to it at the time

I think he was wearing the latest fashion

his trousers - sorry track-suit bottoms

were too short

showing off his designer labelled socks

she was in very tight black

they came in holding hands - not in a romantic way

more - a creepy way

her skin tight black leggings showed every detail

it was like he was directing her every move

he tells her to have a milk shake - she had a milk shake

then he places his hand on her arse as the milk shake mixes

she giggled 

in fact she giggled a lot

not surprisingly

he paid

taking cash out of his 

'over-the-shoulder-man-bag thing'

you know the ones I mean

turning away to get it out

maybe he was out doing deals

maybe he had his gear and cash in there

I sort thought he'd get a bent fifty quid note out

and that I'd have to refuse this poor copy of the kings currency

but no

just two crumpled fivers

I gave him his £1.41 change and he returned to his girl

her shake was ready

they discovered the lids and straws...

"It is nice" she eventually said

the first actual words she spoke

the only words she spoke!

he thanked me as they headed for the door

she said nothing as they returned to their 'gangster-mobile'

its music - well it was music to them

drifted to me across the carpark

and - with both sucking on their milk shakes straws - they drove off

into the night.

Thump, thump, thump thump, thump!

...I wonder what they talk about?

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(Haiku)

A bus went by and

there was one person not on

his phone! What a freak!

Loose Screw

I have a screw loose

it's somewhere on the floor

I had a disaster in the bathroom

and now I can't open the door

I have a screw loose

I think I'm a little unhinged

the door came off into the hallway

my eyebrows were terribly singed

I have a screw loose

hairdriers flying as I fell

the shock made me leap a world record

singing them badly as well

I have a screw loose!

the door nearly flattened the cat

good job he saw the thing coming

or that'd be the end of that!

I-have-a-screw-loose!!

flying cats can damage many things

imagine a flying bag of nails

claws, and all that that brings

I think I really do have a screw loose!!!

I only went in for a wee

the cat stripped of half of the wallpaper

and has set both the budgerigars free

I think I must have a lye down now!!!!

in a dark room with a strong cup of tea

I really think I have a screw loose

which I think is gonna be

the end 

of me!

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