Smoking is bad for you
that's OK,
we'll increase taxes on them so much so that you'll have to stop eating to afford them
(which is also bad for you).
We must stop you smoking in public
but you can huddle outside pub doors in the rain for a fag!
Alcohol is bad for you!
Alcohol causes high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, liver disease, and digestive problems
...cancer of the breast, mouth, throat, esophagus, voice box, liver, colon, and rectum
...weakening of the immune system thus increasing the chances of getting sick
...learning and memory problems, including dementia.
Alcohol is bad for you - but we'll ban that later!
You can't have sugary drinks - we'll raise the tax on them,
they're bad for you.
You can't show fast-food adverts to children
or to anyone at all!
Fast food is bad for you and you seeing an advert might make you go out and buy some.
We'll put calorific values of all foods on all menus so you can see just how bad your choices are.
And you can't have sweets and chocolates at the point of sale,
sweets are bad for you!
'BOGOF's' must be banned as people are getting too fat.
Gas hobs - gas hobs are bad for you.
Don't let dogs lick your face.
Dogs licking faces is bad for you!
Don't vape unless you are using it to quit smoking or; you are on fire!
Don't take cake into work.
Don't eat your tie!
Too little sleep is bad for you.
Too much sleep is bad for you.
Sleeping with your head in a bucket of water is bad for you.
Any type of sleep is bad for you!
Don't eat in bed
don't eat out of bed
Don't eat the bed
Eating is bad for you you!
A poke in the eye with a sharp stick is bad for you.
Salty foods like crisps (which are also high in fat)
processed meats
processed cheese
(in fact anything that has been through a process) is bad for you.
Standing on one leg
too much red meat
too much green meat!
Too much fish (many are high in mercury)
shellfish (they soak up toxins)
vegetables (many commercially grown contain pesticides)
almonds (soak up gallons of water)
salads (they take up too many precious resources)
even water!
Too much water and you'll drown in it!
Nuts are high in fat
the healthiness of tomatoes is in doubt
and so they must bad for you!
Coffee can cause insomnia, forgetfulness, nervousness, restlessness
...forgetfulness, upset stomach, nausea
...forgetfulness, increased heart and breathing rate, and many other side effects
...like forgetfulness!
Banging your head against a wall
smashing your fist through a window
stubbing your toe
are all bad for you!
Products such as household cleaners, prescription and over-the-counter drugs, petrol, alcohol, pesticides and cosmetics, can be toxic,
so can the contents of your nose!
Binge drinking
wearing pink shorts
weeing into a toaster
arguing with a lion
arguing with your wife
arguing with anyone!
Applying makeup on a penny farthing
skipping breakfast
skipping lunch
skipping dinner
skipping generally!
Farting into a jam jar
having sex on a bus
not having sex on a bus
having sex too quickly
having sex too slowly
sex generally is bad for you!
Eating too quickly
eating to slowly
eating just beow the right speed but not slow enough to be actually called slow
not eating at all!
Eating is bad for you!
Worrying is bad for you!
Worrying about your bunions
worrying about your underwear
worrying about the price of donkeys
worrying about - 'worrying too much'
Air pollution
pollution in the seas
pollution in our cities
pollution in our trousers!
Particulates
micro-plastics
microbes
microscopes
microphones
microwave ovens
micro scooters
microbiologists
micro-breweries
microchips
microcosms
microsoft?
My god!
.. .everything is bad for you so go back to bed and hide under your duvet!
(making sure the duvet is hypoallergenic and remembering that too much sleep is bad for you!)
